FANDOM


Haruhiism

A stained glass window on display in the Church of Haruhi depicting the Goddess and her prophets.

Haruhiism is a religion that appears on Orbis based around a high school student living in Japan named Haruhi Suzumiya. Even though there is some disagreement regarding whether Haruhi is the one true God, or not, there is not one bit of doubt among all sects of Haruhiism that Haruhi becoming bored is a very bad idea.

Although Haruhiism itself is rather old, it has only recently started to become popular following the Haruhiism Reformation of 2006. Since then, it has been adopted as the primary religion of a few nations, and the secondary or tertiary religion of many more.

The Sects of Haruhiism

There are many different views on the divinity of Haruhi, or how to properly worship her. The Orthodox Haruhiists, Zen Haruhiists, Messianic Haruhiists, Coptic Haruhiists, Eve Haruhiists, Beveraginist Haruhiists, Otakon Haruhiists, and Zionist Haruhiists make up the sects of Haruhiism.

Zen Haruhiists

The Zen Haruhiists believe that Haruhi is merely an incarnation of God, or a lesser god that is inhabiting the Earth. Some believe that Haruhi is actually the Shinto god of Yuri. The sect was created during a time when followers were trying to bust the myth that Haruhi was a virgin, and in fact, did it with Kyon and possibly Mikuru. The matter would eventually be covered up sometime in 2006 with various plot holes, thus making the Zen Haruhiists we know and love today. They don't follow the same belief system and hierarchy as the Orthodox Haruhiists. Instead, they follow an elder system, which despite the name, doesn't involve old and/or wise people at all. Whoever they believe to be an alien, time traveler, or esper will fill the position.

Messianic Haruhiists

The Messianic Haruhiists believe that Haruhi is the daughter of God, making her the brother of God's only son, Jesus. The sect was started when Jesus arrived in a vision, telling his followers of the existence of God's daughter, and that a sect should be created to properly worship her. This moment prompted the Haruhiist Reformation of 2006.

Coptic Haruhiists

The Coptic Haruhiists believe that Haruhi is merely Jesus using a Sexy no Jutsu. This also means Mikuru Asahina is Doctor Who using a Sexy no Jutsu. Like Coptic Christianity, they believe that Jesus was created by God. The sect broke away from Messianic Haruhiists after a dispute regarding the origins of Haruhi. After an even larger gap in the plot, they somehow came to the conclusion that Haruhi is actually Jesus using a Sexy no Jutsu.

Eve Haruhiists

Eve Haruhiists are a branch claiming to have been overloading forums since their creation in 2007. It was declared by the resident Lord of the Desu to be the result of "one man claiming Desu to be the worst thing on the Internet, and the guy he said it to just had to prove him wrong". Since they united into a single faction in 2007 as residents of the Out of Pod forums on Eve Online, they dedicated themselves to recommending Nagato for tech support, correcting the topic of threads from their intended subject to basking in the power of Haruhi and worshiping her in general. Since 2008, they have been supporting Linkification as a means to combat the Dark Lord Dietrich from strolling around and conquering threads before Haruhiists have a chance to properly annex a thread. This branch of Haruhiists are undecided as to whether Kyon or Haruhi herself is God.

Beveraginist Haruhiists

The Beveraginist Haruhiists are a branch that flows from the only god Haruhi, and The Beverage. The Beverage is not a god. It's a sight of realism without one who has past thy liquid down thy throat. Not only is the Beverage everywhere, but it is also in everything. The only thing it is not in is Haruhi, who back in fourth grade, rejected The Beverage because she decided that total power and domination was more important than keeping a moist mouth.

Otakon Haruhiists

The Otakon Haruhiists, the largest sect of Haruhiism, were converted by the anime "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya," which contained subliminal messages placed by Haruhi herself. This branch of Haruhiism believes that Haruhi is the highest being, having no parents or siblings. They are not often seen outside their temples, but whenever they are, they often dress like the goddess as cosplay or have a shirt with her on it. They often have small plastic statues of her hidden among the mess of their temple, and almost as often have nude/erotic pictures of the goddess and her most loyal servants (not including the prophets Kyon and Koizumi). One of their favorite sentences seems to be: "Our God is hotter than your God."

Zionist Haruhiists

The Zionist Haruhiists don't focus all their theological devotion to Haruhi. Their doctrine states that Kyon is the incarnation of the Messiah, destined to sacrifice himself (by following all of Haruhi's demands) to save mankind. In the beginning was Haruhi, but Haruhi threatened to destroy Earth because no one loved her. Prophecy stated that a man will come to give Haruhi the affection she deserves, and the sign of his coming will be a teenaged whiner riding a red Japanese bicycle. He will sacrifice himself by kissing God on her sweet lips (which was never considered blasphemous) and by following her demands, doing menial tasks for her, and acting as her right hand man. In the end, God would still destroy the Earth because he failed to recognize that God is in love with him, and took him to her new world.

Haruhiistic Commandments

These commandments are found in the holy texts written by the hollowed prophet of Haruhi, Nagaru Tanigawa.

  • Thou shalt entertain your god.
  • Thou shalt not be bored.
  • Thou shalt keep holy the Sabbath (the day they get new episodes).
  • Thou shalt enjoy costume-raping.
  • Thou shalt be a lolicon.
  • Thou shalt love boobies.
  • Thou shalt have no other God.
  • Thou shalt not worship other gods.
  • Thou shalt obey Haruhi and all she demands.
  • Thou shalt be Haruhi's slave.
  • Thou shalt not tell the Goddess she is God.

The Five Pillars of Haruhiism

Like most New Age religions, Haruhiism takes the basic beliefs and rules of various mainstream religions and alters them to fit theirs.

Declaration of Faith

Declaring the phrase "There is no God but Haruhi and Nagaru Tanigawa is Her prophet." They must repeat the phrase constantly to anyone within earshot in order to somehow convert them. It is a great way of pushing your religion on an infidel.

Prayer and Dance

Believers of Haruhiism do this dance at least five times a day as a prayer to Haruhi. Both the ending credits version and the full dance version were declared acceptable by the Church of Haruhi. It should be noted that the character, or characters, the dancer chooses to portray say much about that person's individual faith. Pronouncing the name of the dance is taboo for Haruhiists, but it is called "Hare Hare Yukai" for your utmost convenience.

Almsgiving

The giving of Haruhi Suzumiya-related objects to those who are too poor to afford them. For example, uploading pirated videos of "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" on YouTube.

Fasting

Fasting on days of new episodes and not watching any other anime. This is very difficult for Haruhiists, with some even dying from it. In 2009, few remains of dead Haruhiists were found not watching anime and new episodes.

Pilgrimage

Going to the closest anime or video game convention and cosplaying as a character from the series, or going to North High School in Japan and visiting the S.O.S. Brigade meeting room, the holiest site in the religion.

Caste System

Stolen from Hinduism, these are the three caste systems of Haruhiism.

Brahmans

These are the aliens, espers and time travelers. They are united with Haruhi. This group makes up the smallest percentage of Haruhiists - less than 2%. All of which have supernatural powers that pleases Haruhi in various strangely sexy ways. All of the S.O.S. Brigade is in the group, with the exception of Kyon.

Kshatriyas

These are the people who courted Haruhi and were busted because they were not aliens, espers, or time travelers. They make up about 3% of the group. Kyon is apparently in this group. Please note there are both male and female members, since Haruhi swings both ways as proclaimed in the Sacred Book of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

Vaishads

These are the ordinary humans. They make up about 10% of the group. Unlike the Untouchables, they are not virgins. Usually, they lose their virginity at some anime convention with other otakus. Most female Haruhiists are in this group, however there are some male members as well.

Untouchables

As the name implies, these are the humans who are virgins. They make up the highest percentage of the group - more than 85%. Most of which are males who are too scared to ask a girl out. The most famous and well-known leader of this group is the Computer Research Society President.

Haruhiistic Beatitudes

Like the Five Pillars of Haruhiism above, the Haruhiists stole yet another basic set of rules from a different religion, that being Christianity, and altered them to fit their beliefs.

  • Blessed are they who are bored, for their boredom would be relieved.
  • Blessed are they who wear miniskirts, yeah...you know you like it.
  • Blessed are they who believe in Haruhi, for they are awesome.
  • Blessed are they who costume rape, for they will enjoy it.
  • Blessed are they who were costume raped, for they will someday enjoy it.
  • Blessed are they who are melancholic, for they shall create future chapters of the brigade.
  • Blessed are they who willingly embarrass themselves by dressing up as a character from the show and run around in public in their costume, for they shall inherit the Earth.

Opinions of Haruhiism

Haruhiism has been the subject of some controversy. Many followers of older religions consider Haruhiism little more than a New Age cult. Additionally, Nagatoism has formed as a rival religion to Haruhiism that is based around Yuki Nagato, another member of the S.O.S. Brigade. The media often portrays Haruhiism as a Japanese Pop-Idol group. Many mathematicians worldwide believe that Haruhiism can be expressed as the cube of two squares.

Where Haruhiism is Practiced

There are currently very few nations on Orbis that practice Haruhiism, and even fewer where it is the primary religion. Nations were Haruhiism is practiced include:

  • Rokkenjima - The most notable nation where Haruhiism is practiced is Rokkenjima. Since the establishment of the Church of Haruhi in Rokkenjima, the percentage of Haruhiists residing there quickly surpassed the number of Christians in the nation. At its current rate, the number of Haruhiists within Rokkenjima is expected to catch up to the number of Buddhists within a year. Even then, Haruhiism will continue to be far less popular than the nation's primary religion of Satanism - with 88.1% of Rokkenjima's population currently practicing it.

Images


This article uses material from the "Haruhiism" article on the Uncyclopedia wiki and is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike License.